As my two most recent posts discussed, parental involvement with bullying at school is a complex issue. Sometimes nothing seems to work—speaking with a teacher, counselor, principal or other administrator, or even bullies themselves. And if there's more than one bully—a group of kids picking on a child—the problem is compounded still further.
In cases like these, parents may not only have to become involved but may even need to remove their child from the school to prevent continued harm. Either way, such parents unwittingly become "rescuers," saving their children from unpleasant and even dangerous situations.
Unfortunately, rescuing a child is a two-edged sword. Although being responsible for eliminating the bullying problem feels good and will almost certainly be appreciated by the child, a rescuing parent sends the message that the child can't handle the situation on his or her own and needs parental protection. Depending on the child's age, this may not matter much in either the short or long terms—"saving" a first grader is less problematic than rescuing a sixth grader.
Becoming involved with an older child's bullying situation can initially appear to improve both the bullying problem and the parent-child relationship. Older children who have exhibited challenging behaviors as they approach their teenage years may—temporarily—"regress" to an earlier, more placid developmental stage.
In the longer term, however, the parent-child relationship may actually become worse. The older rescued child can emerge feeling less confident, with a diminished sense of self-efficacy. After the initial relief from the bullying situation and appreciation for a parent's rescue efforts, older children eventually revert back to their true developmental stage—only this time, they may seem much more difficult than before the rescue. Caught up in the process of figuring out who they are and gradually separating from their parents, older rescued children may (consciously or unconsciously) resent their parents' involvement because it makes them feel less mature, competent, and powerful.
Unfortunately, sometimes parents have few, if any, other options than to step in and rescue their bullied children, no matter what grade they're in. To mitigate any potential adverse effects of having rescued an older child, parents should actively seek ways to help the child feel good about him- or herself again and build up the child's sense of self-efficacy. Ultimately the goal isn't to protect our children but to foster their independence so they can confidently fend for themselves and forge their own way in a difficult, sometimes dangerous world.
Showing posts with label Bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bullying. Show all posts
When Bullying Calls for Parental Action
When a bullying situation is serious enough to call for parental action, deciding how to proceed is a complex matter. As my most recent post discussed, figuring out what exactly should be done and anticipating the potential ramifications of any action is difficult.
The immediate goal of becoming involved is to put an end to the bullying once and for all. But this goal may be difficult, or even impossible, to achieve. Although speaking to a teacher, principal, or other school administrator can temporarily alleviate a dangerous situation, the bullying may well resume—though perhaps in a different form—at some later point.
So whatever action a parent takes should try not only to stop the bullying but also to make its resumption either unlikely or impossible. Ultimately the best way to achieve this end is to change the relationship between the bully and the victim. Sometimes either parents or the bullied child can speak with a trusted teacher, school counselor, or administrator who may be able to effect such a change without exacerbating the situation further.
Possible ways to accomplish this sort of change include meeting with both children together in a nonconfrontational way, either once or over a series of meetings; pairing up the bully and victim in supervised activities so that they have a chance to interact and get to know each other in a different way; and engineering situations that either in subtle or overt ways give the bullied child more power.
Avoiding a confrontation in which the bully is either publicly or privately punished or humiliated is important, because such action can make a bad situation even worse. At the same time, though, consequences of continuing to intimidate and endanger other students can be made clear to the bully.
My next post will discuss the possible short- and long-term effects of parental involvement in a bullying situation for the "rescued" child.
The immediate goal of becoming involved is to put an end to the bullying once and for all. But this goal may be difficult, or even impossible, to achieve. Although speaking to a teacher, principal, or other school administrator can temporarily alleviate a dangerous situation, the bullying may well resume—though perhaps in a different form—at some later point.
So whatever action a parent takes should try not only to stop the bullying but also to make its resumption either unlikely or impossible. Ultimately the best way to achieve this end is to change the relationship between the bully and the victim. Sometimes either parents or the bullied child can speak with a trusted teacher, school counselor, or administrator who may be able to effect such a change without exacerbating the situation further.
Possible ways to accomplish this sort of change include meeting with both children together in a nonconfrontational way, either once or over a series of meetings; pairing up the bully and victim in supervised activities so that they have a chance to interact and get to know each other in a different way; and engineering situations that either in subtle or overt ways give the bullied child more power.
Avoiding a confrontation in which the bully is either publicly or privately punished or humiliated is important, because such action can make a bad situation even worse. At the same time, though, consequences of continuing to intimidate and endanger other students can be made clear to the bully.
My next post will discuss the possible short- and long-term effects of parental involvement in a bullying situation for the "rescued" child.
The Complexities of Bullying
One of the most difficult problems that can face school-age children is bullying. This social scourge occurs, to a greater or lesser degree, nearly everywhere, from struggling inner-city schools to elite private academies. In addition to the unhappiness and personal risks bullying engenders, it also puts parents who find out about it in a difficult situation. Should they become involved and say something to school officials (or even the offending child), or would letting the picked-upon student handle it alone be the best tack?
A case in point occurred not long ago at a top-rated public elementary school in Southern California—coincidentally one my own son attended in the early elementary grades. Details of the incident appeared on a television news report after the victim's mother pursued legal action. Although the specifics of this case at the Irvine Unified School District's Turtle Rock Elementary are disturbing and appear clear cut, piecing together exactly what has occurred in a bullying incident—or, more typically, series of incidents—is rarely easy. There are usually (though not always) at least two sides to the story, making a parent's decision about what to do extremely difficult.
If the child hasn't been hurt physically and doesn't appear to be in any real danger, the temptation will be to do nothing. Giving the child pointers on how to handle the situation him- or herself may be the easiest and least-risky strategy—and one that can actually work.
However, if the bullying continues over a long period of time or becomes a physical danger to the child, most parents will want to take action. The problem is, what exactly should they do, and what will the ramifications of their involvement be, both in the short and long terms?
In my next post, I'll discuss this subject further and offer some suggestions on how to handle a bullying situation when parental action is necessary.
A case in point occurred not long ago at a top-rated public elementary school in Southern California—coincidentally one my own son attended in the early elementary grades. Details of the incident appeared on a television news report after the victim's mother pursued legal action. Although the specifics of this case at the Irvine Unified School District's Turtle Rock Elementary are disturbing and appear clear cut, piecing together exactly what has occurred in a bullying incident—or, more typically, series of incidents—is rarely easy. There are usually (though not always) at least two sides to the story, making a parent's decision about what to do extremely difficult.
If the child hasn't been hurt physically and doesn't appear to be in any real danger, the temptation will be to do nothing. Giving the child pointers on how to handle the situation him- or herself may be the easiest and least-risky strategy—and one that can actually work.
However, if the bullying continues over a long period of time or becomes a physical danger to the child, most parents will want to take action. The problem is, what exactly should they do, and what will the ramifications of their involvement be, both in the short and long terms?
In my next post, I'll discuss this subject further and offer some suggestions on how to handle a bullying situation when parental action is necessary.
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