"Rescuing" a Child from Bullying

As my two most recent posts discussed, parental involvement with bullying at school is a complex issue. Sometimes nothing seems to work—speaking with a teacher, counselor, principal or other administrator, or even bullies themselves. And if there's more than one bully—a group of kids picking on a child—the problem is compounded still further.

In cases like these, parents may not only have to become involved but may even need to remove their child from the school to prevent continued harm. Either way, such parents unwittingly become "rescuers," saving their children from unpleasant and even dangerous situations.

Unfortunately, rescuing a child is a two-edged sword. Although being responsible for eliminating the bullying problem feels good and will almost certainly be appreciated by the child, a rescuing parent sends the message that the child can't handle the situation on his or her own and needs parental protection. Depending on the child's age, this may not matter much in either the short or long terms—"saving" a first grader is less problematic than rescuing a sixth grader.

Becoming involved with an older child's bullying situation can initially appear to improve both the bullying problem and the parent-child relationship. Older children who have exhibited challenging behaviors as they approach their teenage years may—temporarily—"regress" to an earlier, more placid developmental stage.

In the longer term, however, the parent-child relationship may actually become worse. The older rescued child can emerge feeling less confident, with a diminished sense of self-efficacy. After the initial relief from the bullying situation and appreciation for a parent's rescue efforts, older children eventually revert back to their true developmental stage—only this time, they may seem much more difficult than before the rescue. Caught up in the process of figuring out who they are and gradually separating from their parents, older rescued children may (consciously or unconsciously) resent their parents' involvement because it makes them feel less mature, competent, and powerful.

Unfortunately, sometimes parents have few, if any, other options than to step in and rescue their bullied children, no matter what grade they're in. To mitigate any potential adverse effects of having rescued an older child, parents should actively seek ways to help the child feel good about him- or herself again and build up the child's sense of self-efficacy. Ultimately the goal isn't to protect our children but to foster their independence so they can confidently fend for themselves and forge their own way in a difficult, sometimes dangerous world.